Who we are
Three couples who have experienced the devastating loss of our precious children, Ryan Buffkin, Chandler Merck, and Paul Jordan. We share a passion to bring awareness and understanding to this life altering loss with the hope it will better enable you to reach out and be a lifeline.
Three unique stories, one unique hope.
The death of a child is considered the single worst stressor a person can go through.
Our purpose and passion is to bring awareness to our communities, churches, and workplaces of the devastating impact the death of a child has on the survivors. It is our desire to help prepare and equip others for compassionate and effective ministry to these survivors.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
If you have personally experienced such an unspeakable loss, we would be honored for you to contact us with your story. Anyone on our team would be glad to talk with you about your child and your journey. We understand because we have been where you are. While no one on our team is a trained counselor, and as such is not equipped for that level of intervention, we do care and will do everything possible to connect you with helpful resources such as professional counselors, local grief share groups/chapters, books, and web links.
… grief, I’ve learned, is really love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go.
Be willing to risk something rather than doing nothing. It’s not that difficult, and it’s not about perfection, but rather a willingness to step out and toss someone a lifeline who may be drowning in grief.
You can invite us to speak with a group or organization you may be a part of. Please contact us to schedule a time and location. Depending upon your needs, we are available as a team, as couples, or individuals.
Research suggests that psychological damage done by a child’s death often does not heal over time. One U.S. based study from 2008 found that even after 18 years after losing a child, bereaved parents reported “ more depressive symptoms, poorer well-being, more health problems and were more likely to have experienced a depressive episode and marital disruption” While some parents did improve, “recovery from grief …… was unrelated to the amount of time after death.”*
Read To Friends, Families, and Employers by Greg and Cathy Buffkin
* What the loss of a child does to parents, psychologically and biologically
www.fatherly.com Sept. 10, 2021
If you have personally experienced such an unspeakable loss, we would be honored for you to contact us with your story. Anyone on our team would be glad to talk with you about your child and your journey. We understand because we have been where you are. While no one on our team is a trained counselor, and as such is not equipped for that level of intervention, we do care and will do everything possible to connect you with helpful resources such as professional counselors, local grief share groups/chapters, books, and web links.
Read To Survivors by Greg and Cathy Buffkin
… grief, I’ve learned, is really love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot give. The more you loved someone, the more you grieve. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes and in that part of your chest that gets empty and hollow feeling. The happiness of love turns to sadness when unspent. Grief is just love with no place to go.
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National organization with local chapters - meets at HopeHealth 360 N. Irby St. Florence
You have suddenly found yourself in a place where you probably never thought you would be; someone you love, care about very deeply, or work with has just had their life shattered and turned upside down by the loss of their child.
Unless you’ve been there yourself you may be at a total loss for how to respond. Prior to Oct. 25, 2015 we were one of you. But on that day our world changed forever when we awoke to learn that our precious, beautiful boy had taken his own life at only 26 years of age.
Prior to this day we had known people who lost a child, and we had even lost a daughter (Chelsea) at 3 months in the womb, and another through miscarriage, but NOTHING could have have prepared us for this. We never thought something like this would happen to us, only other people. Only now could we begin to comprehend what those others had gone through. Because we’ve lived it for the past six years, we’ve experienced quite an array of responses to our grieving by others.
Grief is a very personal journey, therefore, our experiences may not completely represent the journey taking place in those you know. However, you will likely discover more similarities than differences, so it’s our prayer that you will find what we have shared from our experiences to be helpful and enable you to more compassionately and effectively minister to those you will be uniquely positioned to. On their behalf, thank you for your willingness to walk and grieve with them along this painful path to healing and recovery.
That you’re reading this means your world has just stopped and been turned upside down. One that you love more than life itself, your precious child, is gone. It’s an unbearable pain and an unspeakable loss and you wonder how you can possibly go on or even desire to. Because we’re one of you, we really do understand.
Our prayer is that GOD might use our journey through “the valley of the shadow of death” and “the dark night of the soul”, to help you in some way as you begin or continue on this journey. We have prayerfully recorded here a few observations and suggestions we believe might be helpful because we too are living it.
On October 25, 2015 our lives were forever changed when we received the phone call every parent fears, the one telling us that our precious, beautiful son Ryan had taken his own life, and in an instant was gone. Left behind were people who loved him and who he loved, a beautiful wife, a sweet, precious nine month old baby daughter, an adoring sister, many friends and my wife and I.
This is where our journey began, one we’re still walking, though not alone. God has been there with us every step of the way, sometimes beside us, sometimes carrying us when we were too weak, always kind, loving and compassionate, and still healing us.
Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that JESUS died and rose again and so we believe that GOD will bring with JESUS those who have fallen asleep in HIM.
Best known as “the forgotten mourners”, these survivors are often left behind in the wake of grieving parents. To be sure, however, they do indeed grieve.
As they observe the pain and devastation in the lives of their parents, siblings may try to ignore or bury their own grief. If they have loving, compassionate people in their lives the road to healing, while still lonely and difficult, will almost certainly be more bearable.
But what if that’s not the case, and what if they’re too young to know how to express this deep pain?
Make no mistake, however well hidden, grief will eventually begin to take its toll. If they don’t have support or community, they may start looking for ways to numb the pain by self medicating or becoming workaholics. As in other relationships, siblings often love and support one another fiercely, as well as arguing or fighting similarly.
When the death of a brother or sister occurs, siblings may battle those regrets with unwarranted guilt as they remember that last argument or harsh words spoken in a heated moment. This is to be expected, especially when there was never an opportunity to express sorrow, or to say goodbye as when suicide or sudden death occurs.
If you know someone who has lost a sibling, take the initiative to reach out in some way and let them know you care so they don’t feel forgotten. Take the risk and ask them to share a story or memory about their sibling. You might just be surprised to discover it’s both something they really need and want to do. As with grieving parents, they’re often afraid others will forget. Please don’t let that be you!
After their son or daughter dies, the community will galvanize around the parents to support them. Friends, neighbors and family members will focus on bringing in food, making phone calls and helping the parents.
Outliving a child is an awful and tragic loss that should not be dismissed or given short shrift. But siblings are not allowed the time to grieve themselves. They are told to be strong for their parents. Often, siblings are involved in setting up funeral plans and helping their parents get through such a difficult time.
Caretaking when you yourself haven’t had time to grieve is burdensome.
It’s hard to put grief into words. It’s something you feel so deep down in an intangible, inexpressible way that few can understand it without experiencing it firsthand.
The tears sting, the throat tightens, the heart gets heavy. The memories come flooding all at once and then sometimes none at all. There’s a swirling combination of both helplessness and hope at the same time. It hurts, if I’m being real. A whole lot.
Every day since Jan 7, 2021, I’ve thought about you, Paul. Sometimes I laugh, remembering how goofy you were; and sometimes I cry, realizing I won’t get to hug you again and tell you I love you and am proud of you.
I remember the pranks and inside jokes, the mischief and the secrets. I remember you having my back and supporting me through anything. I remember you just wanting to go drive anywhere just so we could hang out. I remember Mo’Vember, sporting mustaches for cancer awareness. I remember when you were ready to fight that guy at Walmart with me just because you were ready to rumble alongside me if things went sideways. 🤣
I remember the night we went to dinner and a comedy show. We held hands and prayed in the car, recognizing the uncertainty of this brain tumor thing. I cherished those moments as if they could be our last. Many of them were.
And you never complained. For 7 years you dealt with bad news and negative reports and took it on the chin. You worked full time jobs where everyone praised how hard you worked and how well you treated others. I know you had both good days and bad days, but you never griped about it. You were always positive facing the darkness of uncertainty with your mottos like, “Feet on the floor. Chin up. Shoulders back. Chest out.”
I loved reading the notes you left like, “I am blessed, thankful, and alive! Here to stay, love and thrive.” You always were positive, happy-go-lucky, and sensitive to the feelings and needs of others.
There’s absolutely nothing like losing a brother, especially so early in life. For me, it was losing a best friend and a little brother. A shadow. I cry thinking I’ll never get to meet your wife and you’ll never be able to hold my kids. It hurts like hell and I can’t stand it sometimes.
But life goes on. You never would have allowed us or wanted us to wallow in self pity or sadness. You said, “just tears of joy.” I’m thankful for the hope you put in Jesus, and that you knew the best was still to come after this life. I treasure every moment of the last 10 days we got to spend together before you left us behind. You’re a true inspiration to me, Paul.
You always hear about a little brother saying he wants to be like his big bro. I want to be more like you one day, Paul. I’ll see you again one day. I love you and miss you.
Contact Us
hope@emptychairendeavor.com
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